The boys will be 6 months old tomorrow, home for 3 months of that, and most days I feel like I'm drowning. I'm sure I am not the only mom to feel this way, and you don't have to be raising four kids to feel this way either, but I have to say, this is the hardest job of my life! When I was pregnant people kept saying, "oh, you'll have your hands full." But I was blissfully chose to ignore all these comments, believing I could handle it. Frankly I'm glad I didn't listen, or I probably would have gone into early labor caused by sheer panic!
I am "handling" it, but only just barely. I am thankful to have help from people in the community, but there are a lot of times during the week that I find myself alone with all the kids. At those times I seriously count the hours, minutes and second until someone is there to help again!
The boys are incredible sleepers at night, and rarely wake up in the middle of the night any more, but the trade off is they do not like to sleep for me during the day. As the day wears on, they get crankier and crankier until about 4 o'clock, when we reach full meltdown mode with three babies screaming and wanting to be held! Meltdown mode also includes me and Addie, as my nerves are usually shot by this point, and Addie is bored out of her mind! I TRY so hard to give her the time she deserves and get little things done around the house, but some days it seems impossible. There are a few essential tasks I have to get done throughout the day. Aside from making sure the kiddos are fed and diapered, I have to wash bottles 2-3 times a day and whip up massive amounts of formula...we're talking like 90 oz. these days! So with all of this going on, is anyone really surprised to hear that I sometimes end up in tears by the end of the day (sometimes multiple times)?
Ironically enough, amidst all of this chaos, is when I find the perfect time to reflect. When I am feeling so overwhelmed that I want to curl up in dark corner for a few days alone, my mind starts flashing back to the early days when the boys were born and fighting for their lives in the NICU. When Brennen (he's the loudest) is inconsolably screaming his head off, all I have to do is think back to the days when he was sick with a staph infection. I have this clear mental image of him in my mind from that time and just that one thought totally changes my mind set about my screaming little guy. It makes for feel overjoyed for his spunk and spirit. Honestly, a lot of their time in the NICU was a blur, but for each boy I have a vivid mental picture of a key event that puts it all in perspective. For Liam it was when he was days old and struggling with a collapsed lung. For Graham it is being there with him and holding him as best I could as he was having one of many echo cardiograms done to check his heart.
I also have to stop and reflect back to the days when Addie was an only child. That gives me empathy for what she is going through. When she is asking me to do a million things that I know I am not capable of doing and I feel myself getting frustrated, I just have to put myself in her little shoes. Through all of this she is becoming more and more kind and thoughtful and brings me a lot of joy, especially on the bad days.
I'm sure there will be many more tears shed before things start to get better. I'm sure "better" will probably continue to be relative. But I know that if I keep making time to stop and think back at all we have been through as a family, I will always be thankful.
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| That's a handful |
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| WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! |
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| Helpful Big Sis |
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| Liam and Brennen hanging out |
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| Paging Dr. Addie |
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| Liam is a smiley guy |
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| Graham found his thumb |
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| Brothers: Graham and Brennen |
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| Brennen is all smiles |
Kristin, you may ALWAYS speak freely!! I have never had to experience the overwhelming intensity of THREE BABIES AT THE SAME TIME, but there were still days when Daniel was a baby or when Josh was a baby that I would end up in tears from trying to meet the needs of these little children and feeling like I was falling short and/or falling apart :) I saw a lot of myself in your words! My grandma (who raised 5 little children- pretty much by herself all over the world as a military wife- I don't know how she did it) would say things to me like "Sometimes babies have to cry" and that helped me realize that even though I can't stand the sound of my children crying, it is NOT a reflection of me as a parent when they do. People say the days and nights go slowly but the years go quickly, and I have definitely seen that to be true. What you are doing is not easy- but it is so important, and you are awesome and even when you feel like you are falling short you are not!! Praying you have all the strength and grace you need to live for today, and then tomorrow God will give you more, and more the next day, and more the next day. . .may He keep your cup full!! Love and hugs!!
ReplyDeleteOh Kristen, my heart goes out to you. No one said it was ever going to be easy, but when they out number you twice over it's just got to be the farthest away from easy. This has got to be the hardest time when a lot of the help fades and the babies stay up more. Know that this present time WILL change and you WILL survive! You have been called to do an important job. Be satisfied with what you have accomplished and not what you haven't. Glad you can see just how far they have come physically. Continue to let that encourage you with every diaper change and every bottle! God loves you and all your babies. Keep calling on Him for patience and strength. I hope to visit you soon.
ReplyDeleteNurse Kathy